I was tired of picking the wrong dudes…
The story of how I started the journey back to myself through pole dance.
“How did you start pole dancing?”
Ah yes...one of my favorite questions.
Honestly, I was tired of picking the wrong dudes.
The same dudes.
The shitty ones.
The emotionally unavailable ones.
The projects.
The addicts.
The short fuses.
The military dudes hiding sexual preferences.
The ones that needed healing.
The. Married. Ones.
Signing up for my first class, I had no idea wtf I needed. I was a young, hot mess looking for a new physical outlet. I was completely unprepared for the shifts that were waiting for me to align with, the truths I was about to awaken to. I had no idea that I was the one that really needed the healing.
It had been months since I felt any mind quiet. I was only about 24 at the time, fresh undergrad degree in Visual Art (yeah it took me a little longer than average), working 3 jobs, bartending and coaching college cheerleading, and honestly thinking about it now...I thought I knew myself and what I wanted, but I had no fucking idea. We think we know everything when we are young.
Here’s what I did know...I kept finding myself in life scenarios, at the time, often involving boyfriends, lovers, and FB’s, that were honestly….shit. Total shit. Men who were DIY projects, shit shows...completely unavailable. And at the time, filling my mind with fake ideals of romantic partners and chasing dead-end relationships felt much more tangible, safer even, then handling my own shit; shit that was buried so deep, my subconscious nearly blacked it out. Shit, I was barely even aware of...and at the time, seeking validation from others, especially sexually, pacified my own needs of actual healing, self-love, and self-worth. But when you’re dating dick heads, chi- vampires, and soul-sucking succubus’ gobbling up all your light (and your WAP) it’s so easy to completely bypass actual human need. When you're young and naive..and hurting... it’s too hard to make brave choices...the bravest choice being, You.
So one day, I was switching bar shifts when (my now dear friend) said “I’ve gotta run to dance”. Turns out she was going to teach pole, oddly enough the newest YouTube late night unwind, rabbit hole obsession. I signed up right away and dragged my BFF with me.
I thought I was going to kill it. Straight up. I was on a nationally ranked competitive college cheerleading team, teaching at Title boxing and coaching at the time with a strong athletic background and I thought “I got this”.
Um… I did not “slay”, “kill it”, nor “feel myself that day”. I was awkward and uncoordinated...and for fuck sake I could absolutely not trust the pole (yeah a lot of paradigms there too). I say all of this with love...because I didn’t care. For the first time in months my brain shut off and I felt new pathways of connection forming between the cerebral and the skin. I wasn’t wondering what fancy dinner date night my married boss FB was taking his wife to. I wasn’t wondering how many times the person I lost my virginity to actually cheated on me before the age of 17 and why he was contacting me again. I wasn’t thinking about all the abandonment, detached daddy issues that haunted me and question my every ounce of self-worth. My mind was quiet and at peace.
I was coming home to my body… and I didn’t even know it.
I was so drawn in. To the new physicality, the loud music, the watery warm-ups, the body rolls (that took forever to feel natural in my body)... the lighting. The many shapes,ages and sizes surrounding me having a similar experience. The unspoken Sisterhood.
It became my vice. My outlet.
The first relationship I had ever truly committed to.
Something for me, and a healthy place to channel my energy.
I was starting to heal, from the inside out and connecting to myself, my sensuality, and my sexuality in a way I didn’t even know was possible.
Seven years later and it is still one of my greatest and most treasured love stories; ups downs and everything in between. We’re still going strong- today, full force into our newest chapter; pole dancing studio ownership here in NJ. The people I have met, the life experience it’s led me to… are invaluable. Pole dance and sensual movement has supported me through challenging breakups, loss, deep soul-crushing grief, heartaches, and healings. So so much healing, and so so much joy and life.
When I signed up for my first Intro class, not even my witchiest of powers could have illuminated what would stand before me on this journey. I had no idea of the love that actually lived and lives inside me...for me.
It’s a daily practice. An entire vibration...and some days are still more challenging than others. It takes fucking work and action and patience. Not to mention I still completely dated the wrong dudes up until about 3 years ago. But when you truly shift into a space of recognizing your own needs, values, and worth, the wounds turn into scars, the longing into love, and the pain into peace. This goes for anything you are battling within; body image issues, daddy issues, mommy issues, grief, trauma, weight challenges and multiple divorces.
Your past is not shameful, whatever it may be.
When our bodies becomes a sacred vessel of authentic expression and we relearn to love ourselves the way we did before the world tried to break us and tell us we aren’t good enough...that is the good shit. Turns out, after all this time, the person I really needed to pick, was me. Every day I am so thankful that I finally took that damn class. This movement practice (and apparently shitty boyfriends lol) has shaped and impacted my entire life and led me and us here today...together. And for that, I am forever grateful.
So...Sign up for class and go. Take a chance on yourself, your healing, and your worth..because you deserve it. At the very least you can check it off your list, and at the very most, it may open your beautiful, messy life into an entirely new world of love and possibility.
Xo Emily Rose