“To Feel is to Heal”
When I had just started pole dancing… I lost my best friend in a tragic car accident.
She was only 22 and the type of energetic enigma where you either loved her or you hated her…but most people loved her. She taught me it didn’t matter either way.
I had only just started my pole dancing journey not even a year prior to her death…it stopped me in my tracks.
Numb. Angry. Confused… Heart broken. I literally couldn’t move for months.
I got back with my addict ex during the grieving process (news flash that ended horribly… again), I was kicked out of my apartment in NYC and didn't really live anywhere for about 5 months. I couldn't work; waiting tables sobbing wasn't really a good look and bartending led me down a slippery slope.
I’d never seen this side of myself before and it was paralyzing. The numbness was the most unexpected… but…I almost leaned on it. It felt safe. I knew it wasn’t.
When sensation slowly started to come back it almost swallowed me whole…it came in tidal waves. But feeling brought me back to my body. Sadness still pulsed through my veins, but I was done feeling detached. It’s not what she would have wanted. It’s not what I wanted either.
In the quiet moments of reconnection, everything changed. My life was different.
There was a life when Kayla was alive, and there was now; and some days, that still doesn’t really make and sense.
I remember my first class back. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I sat on my mat…still pretty frozen. I was terrified. But I was there. Idk how, but I was.
That first class was hard, but movement helped me start to feel again. And holy shit did it hurt. But what hurt more was living a life detached from my feelings. I didn’t want to be a shell anymore.
The more I allowed myself to feel, the more I began to heal. 7 years later, it still ebbs and flows, but movement, self-loving rituals and practices…gentleness, has given me a new life. Allowing myself to feel, even in the depths of uncertainty, has led me places I never thought I could go and connected me to people and spaces I hadn’t ever dreamed of.
More importantly, (also with therapy, time and tools) it connected me back to my true authentic self. I’d like to think she would be really proud of that.
*You cannot expect to hear from your intuition, and step into the potential of your life, if you are silencing your emotions.*
Pole dancing will not stop your heart ache- it will not fix your divorce or bring back your best friend. It will not make you better…or worse.
But..Having space, or a container both internal and external, practices and rituals to embody awareness will change you.
Coming back home to your body will change you. Leaning into sensation, without it swallowing you up and dictating every move you make, (or don’t make) will change you. And showing yourself the love and support you need or deserve on that journey, wherever it takes you, is the greatest gift you can give yourself.